I am dead

To-day I went for a walk, actually two walks. I have nothing else to do after work, except reading and meditating. And I must admit that after a bit, both become tedious. I could read forever, were it not for the fact that after 40 minutes or so, I begin to not understand what I am reading. This signifies the time to take a break and lose myself in some other activity, i.e., going for a walk.

During my second walk, I somehow ended up at that place that now has become a symbol of my current state. My mind was swallowed into an abyss of thoughts, from which I eventually surfaced but changed. It is a bit too much I must say. How many times can one drown in one’s self? How many times can one get sad about the same thing? It’s not just I say.

I have the suspicion that the person that I was prior to the sophomore year at St. John’s is dead. He hasn’t returned. As I go through the cycles, the monotony does not revive him. I am almost completely alone here (my family is elsewhere) and my friends are elsewhere. The conditions are almost the same, save for the fact that I live in a different part of town. The hardship is here though, yet it does not seem to satisfy. I dare say that this old me is dead.

So what remains? I do not know. I am going through the motions. I feel like I should put a cigarette in my mouth. I have so much confusion. Ah, yet I have gained something. On top of the loneliness that was here prior to all this mess, now I have this confusion that is killing me.

Sadly my two activities have been reduced to a single one. I cannot bring myself to read my book. I cannot bear to see how Gilberte injures Marcel. How cruel, how vicious she is! And the though processes he goes through are the most painful. Perhaps they seem painful for it is as if he is going through the same processes that I am going through. And I wish it would end. That neither he nor I would have to think about these things that seem only to weaken the soul and make life unbearable!

Please stop! Please stop! It hurts too much! It’s eating through my mind. I cannot breathe, I cannot feel myself anymore. My face has gone red and burns. I drift deeper into this self of despair. And I drift into the sounds. I cannot breathe, I cannot feel. I am surrounded by this depression. I’d smile but it hurts. So I drift deeper into this … wailing as I go.

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